


Things That 100% Would Happen at Hogwarts

by KolorfulKyandii



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Coming Out, Headcanon, Memes, Muggle Culture, Muggle/Wizard Relations, Multi, Pop Culture, Tumblr Prompt, Wizarding Culture (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-26 13:29:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22902820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KolorfulKyandii/pseuds/KolorfulKyandii
Summary: A collection of headcanons, cross-posted long ago on Tumblr, that I recently re-discovered deep in my writing files.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	1. Duck Duck Goose

Give me Dean, Muggleborn that he is, imitating Steve Irwin in Care of Magical Creatures class, much to everyone's confusion except for Harry and Hermione who are. On the ground. Unable to breathe. And refusing to explain why.

Give me Harry, demisexual that he is, realizing that the reason he can't stop obsessing over Draco is that Draco is the one who saw – and subsequently disliked - 'Harry', and not The Boy Who Lived. Realizing that Draco was the only one to first talk to him for HIM, in that robe shop, and not his parents or fame (because even Ron and Hermione did that at first). And thus, leading to him randomly starting crying in the middle of lunch and claiming he's doomed, much to everyone's fear.

Give me Seamus, pyro that he is, super happy one Christmas when Hermione buys him a book on fire caution, flammable materials, and elements such as magnesium. Thus afterward, the mysterious fires that have always happened are far safer and controlled.

Give me Luna, wonderful airhead that she is, being stared at as, calm as anything, she waltzes right into the Slytherin common room and starts talking to the mermaids like its absolutely normal. A first-year drops a book he's staring so hard, because HOW DID SHE KNOW THE PASSWORD. Draco just sighs, gets up, goes over to her, and offers her tea.

Give me Draco. Who looks on as Neville offers Harry rhubarb pie that he made himself, as Harry stares forlornly at his Treacle Tart, and makes an annoyed sound. "Dammit, Longbottom he hates bittersweets." The Slytherins stare and Pansy just mutters "How do you even know these things. Merlin, help him realize."

Give me Parvati, who is being constantly mistaken for her sister by Ron, who panics and screams "IM A LESBIAN" when it gets to be too much.

Give me Ron, who stares wide-eyed from a distance whenever he sees Padma from that moment on, for a full week, until Padma flips out too and hexes him. Parvati awkwardly wonders why Ron starts getting scared whenever she tries to approach from then on, since she knows Ron doesn't have problems due to that sort of thing from how he handles Harry.

Give me the thirty or so of the school's Muggle-raised, who made the mistake of showing their folks howlers, and react accordingly whenever one of the families sends one that is just a recording of Rick Astley, or High School Musical, or spoilers for Doctor Who. And the Wizard-raised just... staring... in fear... watching their savior and multiple other students as they run around screaming and crying in an absolute panic for some reason even though it was a different student that got the weird howler.

Give me Harry, whose hair surprises people by being dark red like his mother's when in direct sunlight. And usually at the Weasley den, they're inside, but one day Harry joins them outside for a picnic, and Molly is so confused about where Harry went to, then has to do a mental tally of her children.

Give me George, who in the midst of the final battle, hit Lucius with an Anaticula curse, so that every spell he tries makes a duck instead. And the Death Eaters are just so confused. "Lucius... is that a duck?"


	2. Pop Goes the Posey

Give me the Gryffindor common room. The new first years suggest Monopoly for game night. The entire room goes dead silent. One First year tries to ask what they did wrong. “Never mention that game again,” is the only response they get. “But why-” “NEVER TALK ABOUT SIXTH YEAR. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT SIXTH YEAR.” Their brave upperclassman Neville yells, trembling. Hermione starts crying. Harry goes into a panic attack. Ron whispers, “There are many reasons we don’t talk about Sixth year. If The Incident had been the only thing that happened, we would only not talk about The Incident. Many things happened that year. Thus, we do not speak of that year, or of that game.”

Give me McGonagall, who struggles to control the cat population, because while students are told to have their cats fixed you know not all 100 students that brought cats did so. Her curling up around a litter that lost their mother to illness. Training them to stalk the corridors. Albus had his ways of getting information, and hers is the spy network of cats.

Give me muggleborns singing everything from Phantom of the Opera to Katy Perry in the corridors. Singing We Will Rock You to a pureblood who disses them for it. The purebloods thinking the weird songs and their tunes are some kind of Rite of Passage and fleeing whenever a muggleborn student starts singing. Altering song lyrics. “I throw my ferret in the air sometimes, singing EEEEEEEYO, this is DRAAAAAACO!”

Give me muggleborns that are really confused about the whole quill instead of pens things, throwing transfigured pokeballs in Care of Magical Creatures, the band students bringing kazoos and harmonicas and the wizard-raised students that are just so confused as to how those things even work, because it must be some sort of air magic, right??

Give me muggleborns making entire conversations out of pop culture references specifically to confuse some Slytherin who just called one girl a Mudblood. “These are not the droids you were looking for.” “I’m right on top of that now Rose, I promise.” -jazz hands-

Give me muggleborns with Patronus like Pikachu, velociraptors, the quiet Canadian transfer student with a moose Patronus the size of a SMALL HOUSE, the one whose is an angeled-out Castiel, the one whose Patronus is the Democrat donkey and another the Republican elephant and the two, previously best friends, become mortal enemies rivaling the fame of Harry and Draco.

Give me muggleborns hugging each other before the break, promising to ‘call’ each other, trading weird codes, how they can’t wait to go for ‘sushi’ or planning that trip together to 'Disneyland’ where they can go flying?? But no one’s allowed magic?? Or flying?? Somehow, shockingly, these children totally new to our world have developed a way to cheat the system??

Give me muggleborns who are fully aware that the anti-tech wards were made when _radios_ barely even existed, much less cellphone towers and microprocessors. While they can’t turn them on inside the stone of the school, there’s this group that thier beloved Savior, Harry, joins constantly - and all they do is sit there staring at these tiny Muggle things, for hours on end in _total silence_ until suddenly screeching with hysterical laughter until they cry, before falling silent again - and every now and then, the entire group give pained and angry cries, stand all in unison with _no words exchanged whatsoever_, and _sprint all the way across to the other side of the lake, all at the same time_. The purebloods are terrified of this delirious hive-mind like behavior.


	3. Muggleland Wonderborn

Give me Harry, Hermione, Dean, and Justin from the D.A, muggleborns they are, doing a movie night every week to help the D.A. relax and bond. They re-start this after the battles, during Eighth year, with several other people such as the returned Slytherins joining in. The entire year they play things like Tangled, The Breakfast Club, Brave, Lion King. But then the last four weeks, they announce they don’t want to mislead everyone that everything is all fun and rainbows. The last four movies are My Sister’s Keeper, The Shining, Marley and Me, and for the last week, a marathon of the entire Jurassic Park series.

Give me Hufflepuffs, who secretly are very relieved to be the ‘normal’ House. Jocks over there, know-it-alls over there, goth wannabees over there, now let’s go camp out by the kitchens we’re gonna need it to survive the next seven years like this.

Give me Ravenclaws who are so done with the riddles when they stumble back at midnight after having fallen asleep in the Library. “What’s the truth?” “THE TRUTH IS THAT I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE IF YOU DON’T LET ME IN.”

Give me the Trio, who use the Marauder’s Map to find the most ridiculous routes to class, knowing every single one of the shortcuts. It’s not odd for them to simply appear out of the ceiling. One day the new First Years try to follow them, to learn the school better - it doesn’t go so well because when they try to go through a disappearing wall the Trio just went through, they instead run headfirst into it, and the next time they go behind a tapestry, down a waterside, around some sort of tower, causally past an entire doorless room full of bats, and somehow come out on the complete other side of the castle.

Give me Draco who has just completely had it with Harry’s staring and confronts him, like they always do, and Harry just blurts out that he likes Draco’s new haircut and can he touch his hair, and Draco so shocked he lets him. “Potter stop treating me like a cat, I’m evil, remember? Bloody hell have you gone daft?!” “But… it’s soft…” “I hate you.” But he just can’t find any anger over this, so there’s like no venom whatsoever in it and Harry can’t stop laughing.

Give me Ginny, who can’t stop giggling as Luna confuses the fuck out of an entire crowd with her way of speaking, and who during Seventh year could 100% get away with insulting the Death Eaters because of the way she said things. Who after Luna used said tactic to get her out of a Crucio punishment just clung to Luna, shaking, and realizing that she loves Luna so much for this very reason. That there will never be another person like Luna in her life, ever.

Give me Harry, who was not really well educated while living at the Dursleys, who couldn’t read very well but was wonderful at sneaking around, little tricks like hiding things, and loved music. He taught himself magic tricks, and MERLIN ALMIGHTY THIS 11-YEAR-OLD KID HAS MASTERED VANISHING SPELLS, WHAT, HOW, and Percy, uptight Prefect he is, just loses it.

Give me Ron walking in on Harry talking to some random snake in their dorm room, laughing like the snake said a particularly good joke, tipping his head and smiling as he responds, the python slowly curling up his arm to rest over his shoulder. Ron freezes, stares, and then slowly backs away, closes the door and stands there staring at it for a full half-hour in absolute horror.

Give me the rest of the D.A. walking into the Room of Requirement and hearing screaming, Dean shrieking that he’s going to murder someone, Hermione crying, Justin cursing like a sailor yelling for everyone to stop, and the rest panic and run around the corner and there the four Muggle-raised students are. With some sort of odd device in their hands. Playing Mario Kart.


	4. God Mode

Give me Hermione falling out of her seat as the realization hits that somehow Charlie and his friends had broken into Hogwarts like it was some every day but exciting thrill their First Year to pick up the baby dragon, and yet Voldemort literally needed the Elder Wand to do that.

Give me Seamus, in the middle of class, accidentally blowing himself up again and then just scrambling to his feet and facing the silent class and screaming “DO I STILL HAVE MY EYEBROWS.” while he stands there swaying, and Neville screams back “YES.” and only then does the relieved Seamus allow himself to fall unconscious.

Give me Dean, running screaming into the Great Hall and rounding the Gryffindor table at a sprint with Seamus on his heels and informing everyone “HE’S AFTER MY LUCKY CHARMS!” then running back out, while a confused Seamus that wails in his Irish accent “NO! IM NOT AFTER ANYONE’S LUCKY CHARMS I SWEAR!” then follows crying for his friend to stop and tell him what the heck is going on while the entire silent Hall stares after them.

Give me the Gryffindor common room, everyone working in peace and quiet to the crackling fire, but then suddenly there is this huge blast of bagpipes that startles everyone, Ron falls out of his chair entirely, and the room is confused until Neville says “Oh it was probably just Seamus.” and everyone agrees and settles back down to their studying while the new First Years stare with eyes wide with shock wondering what in the world just happened.

Give me Sixth Year when the attack happens and the entire school is evacuated, Death Eaters laughing as they invade the entire school, searching for students to torture and setting things on fire. One student sleeps through the sirens. Later at the assembly, the rest of the school is confused as to why only the Hufflepuff dorm was somehow well protected - by a single Second Year student that was left behind, no less! And the entire Hufflepuff House starts laughing really hard, and one student just goes “Oh it was probably Kevin. Kevin McCallister.”

Give me the end of Third Year when Lupin is feeling horrible as the last few days of school wind down, ignoring the whispers and racism, pretending the Howler letters from parents accusing him of being a danger to the children don’t bother him. The Trio noticing, and sending him Howlers that accompany the bad ones, saying things like “THIS IS A HOWLER TO INFORM YOU I LIKE THE SHIRT YOU WORE YESTERDAY YOU LOOK GREAT IN GREEN.” and “THIS IS A HOWLER TO THANK YOU FOR THE FACT WE GOT TO SEE WHAT SNAPE WOULD LOOK LIKE IN NEVILLE’S GRANDMOTHER’S CLOTHES IT WAS THE AWESOMEST THING THIS ENTIRE YEAR.” This quickly becomes a fad, and more and more come each day - until finally, on the last day of school, he gets the usual one or two bad Howlers - and then following it are at least twenty Howlers there just to compliment him. Dumbledore finally bans all Howlers after the very last Howler screams in what is _defenitely not a student's voice,_ “MY COUSIN TOLD ME ALL ABOUT YOU, AND THE HOWLER THING, AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WANTED TO GO ON A DATE!”- and that’s the story of how Lupin and Tonks got together.

Give me The Trio, just after the defeat of Voldemort, and needing to hide the Snitch with the Resurrection Stone in it. Harry tasks this to Hermione, who spells the snitch overnight. The next day at breakfast she walks up to Harry and declares she found the perfect way to hide it – a riddle no Wizardborn would ever understand. And with that she drops a Ferrero Roche Christmas ornament into his hand and whispers “Red Bull gives you wings”, and Harry laughs so hard he has to sit down.


	5. Smarticles

Give me Ravenclaws that are there more for their wit than their bookishness and aren’t good at riddles so when asked the question to open the door they all simply answer with sarcasm like, “What marks the seconds passing with the life of human wanting?” And the answer is a time candle but this is a Muggleborn student and they don’t even realize time candles are still a thing, so they just go “ME WAITING FOR YOU TO OPEN THIS DOOR. SECONDS PASSING. I WANT IT OPEN. NOW LET ME GO SLEEP DAMMIT!”

Give me that the door opens if you admit you don’t know because knowing the limits of your intellect is important too, or that you can at least argue to explain your reasoning and way of thinking, and this results in massive backups of the people entering all watching and lending ideas or support on the two sides of the problem, and if it goes on long enough even the other Houses are invited to lend perspectives, so the entire school actually has easy access to the Ravenclaw dorms and it’s like the school hangout spot.

Give me Ravenclaws having some of the worst grades in school which pisses Hermione off royally and she just cannot seem to understand. When she asks them why she gets the same reply every time, something along the lines of “Who the heck cares about HOMEWORK I mean MERLIN woman THIS IS WAY MORE INTERESTING I mean seriously!”. Hermione finally manages to figure out in Fifth Year - it took her five entire years - that teaching Ravenclaws in school is like trying to get a bone away from a dog, or if they _do_ pay attention because they like the subject, it’s like being watched by some shocked looking unblinking cat while you go to the bathroom.

Give me Second Year Harry and Draco being punished by McGonagall who is going through a phase of trying to get them to work together, so they have to be partners in all shared classes for a week. In potions, they’re trying a low-level love potion and simply stand there arguing because Harry tested it and doesn’t feel different so Draco must have messed it up and Draco replies that he has Snape for a Godfather and is the best Potions student in the class. Eventually, Harry gets him to try it. There is no apparent difference. Draco finally agrees he must have messed up. Snape fights the urge to bang his head on the desk and just stares at them with this pained expression the entire class because they’re just _so oblivious._

Give me Sixth Year the Gryffindors and Slytherins being paired up by the new teacher Slughorn who does it randomly, and the entire class gasps and stops working when he pairs up Malfoy and Potter, who slowly make eye contact in a conspirational glance, then nonchalantly gather their things and go to the same table while the confused teacher cannot seem to get a response out of the totally silent and pale class watching him in horror. Hermione finally speaks up. “No, you don’t understand we’ll all end up in the hospital!”. Another student has already sent for McGonagall who rushes into the classroom in a total panic and coldly informs Slughorn that while she understands he is new, _there are things one simply doesn’t do in this school_ but it’s too late and the Gryffindor Leader and the Slytherin Prince are backed by the two angry opposing sides of the class and it’s a screaming chaos, and the new teacher has learned his lesson about who really is the only one capable of teaching this class when Snape finally arrives. Everyone goes dead silent and politely returns to their seats and start work without him even having to say anything.

Give me the Eighth Year Potions class waiting in the hallway for the door to open, and Hermione suddenly breaks the strained silence with a sharp gasp and wheels around to the Trio and yells “I KNOW WHY DUMBLEDORE ALWAYS MADE THE PASSWORDS CANDY NAMES.” and then proceeds to explain that _Snape goes up there every day to check-in_, which means that _every single day_ Snape has to go up there and stand there for an uncomfortable amount of time glancing around to make sure no one is nearby, before screwing up his face and slowly drawling “Ffffffffizzing. Whispbeeeeees.” or “_LLLLLLLLLL_emon drop.” And so the scene that Snape arrives to see is the Gryffindor and Slytherin Houses collapsed all together laughing hysterically, and when he gets there it gets even louder.


	6. Name Games

Give me Professor McGonagall, who 100% can talk to cats, using her cat army to subtly control the Hogwarts staff - a cat staring at Professor Snape really intensely to the point he’s a bit hesitant to be so firm with Neville in class. A cat dropping from the rafters into Umbridge’s hair at every opportunity. A cat nonchalantly going into Dumbledore’s office every single time he leaves it to knock over every single bottle of ink.

Give me an overjoyed Fourth Year Harry going up to McGonagall and informing her very seriously that Sirius ate his Transfiguration essay so he had to re-do it and it would be late. McGonagall isn’t sure whether this is a prank on Sirius or Harry’s part, knowing Sirius very well may have done so for the irony, but also knowing if he didn’t and she went to ask Sirius would take credit anyway. She would never know the truth.

Give me the student body who is quietly terrified of Harry because he has the power to decide who their teachers are and if he doesn’t like them he will crumble them into dust, erase their entire memory, discover the person who was supposed to be their teacher locked in a chest, or hand them over to the centaurs to be beaten and raped. All totally by accident and without even meaning for things to end up that way.

Give me Muggleborns calling Harry Bambi for the entire rest of the year after the info about his Patronus being a stag spreads. This becomes his nickname. Harry likes it until one day Draco approaches and says in his usual tone “Nice hair, Bambi.” and it completely sounds like some lover’s nickname so they both freeze in absolute horror and go red. He tried again thinking it was just the situation, but it still sounds like a pet name and it’s not a fluke so Draco just turns and runs. Harry doesn’t know what he does but no Slytherin ever calls him Bambi again, and neither do the rest of the school after the dazed Harry wanders into the commons and Ron calls him Bambi and he literally trips over his own feet and then backs away from Ron sputtering nonsense and disappears into the dorms.

Give me Ginny who is very fierce being complimented on how she got so tough after joining the D.A. that they’re scared of working with her and Ron looks very confused and counters with an explanation, “No no she scares the D.A. Our eldest brother is gentle and wears jewelry, Charlie is an asexual introvert bachelor obsessed with dragons, Percy is a whiny nerd, while the twins have a reputation as really bad influences, and I have an inferiority complex. So she learned how to hit people where it hurts really young to protect us. She turned a bludger to ash when it almost hit her in training and she got startled. She reacts too fast so no one wants to face her even in D.A.”

Give me Draco stealing Harry’s glasses as they all tease him but then he puts them on and gives this sound of pain and wrenches them off and his expression when he looks at Harry is completely open and honest as he states “Bloody Hell Harry you’re blind. You should sit in the front row with Granger, it won’t strain your eyes as much, I mean then maybe you could read the board easier… you should get checked by Pomphry she might be able to help…”

Give me Muggleborns calling Dumbledore Gandalf and just cannot seem to remember his real name.

Give me Muggleborns calling Snape Chef Ramsey.

Give me Hermione of Gryffindor and Tracey Davis of Slytherin falling out of their seats when Draco suddenly approaches Harry and tells him Tracey told him to get out of the Narnia closet and invite Harry to spaghetti and he was just wondering what that means?

Give me Ron in the middle of Lunch spending the entire time staring at the wall instead of eating and the other two of the Trio get really worried as this goes on and ask him what’s wrong and he just quietly asks if Snape ever found out that Hermione set him on fire when she was eleven.

_“Do you think the Death Eaters have a group chat?”___


	7. Sing a Sooong

Give me the fact that here in the world with technology we listen to an average of four hours of music per day, it’s part of our very subconscious, culture, and behavior, more than we realize – so Muggleborns becoming increasingly uncomfortable as the weeks wear on after they go back and they don’t know why, but they find every opportunity to sing something, at even the smallest reference.

Give me all Muggleborns singing “We’re off to see the Wizard!” as a basic requirement when you’ve been called to see the Headmaster.

Give me Muggleborns spending McGonagall’s entire birthday serenading her with their best cat songs. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur!” “Cat, you’re a kitty cat!” “Eeeeverybody wants to be a cat!”

Give me Hermione and Harry humming the Disney theme song when they’re returning to school in the carriages. Whenever a Muggleborn hears they freeze and yell “WHERE DO I KNOW THAT SONG FROM” and Harry goes “It’s that one song they do in Disney when you’re zooming out of the castle with the fireworks!” and they just “OH YEAH.” and slowly it spreads until all Muggleborns subconsciously hum that theme on the way back from vacation or Hogsmeade because it’s just so fitting, just like First Year with the Pirates of the Carribean theme.

Give me Tracey Davis, the half-blood Slytherin, singing Under the Sea in the Slytherin dorms or Part of Your World whenever one of the horrifying mermaids swims past a window. She doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. Due to this, she sings a lot of Disney in general, and is well known among the Muggleborn population for her rendition of Bibbidy-Bobbidi-Boo.

“Jingle Bells, Umbridge smells, Malfoy laid an egg! The Batmobile lost a wheel and ran over Snape’s potion set, HEEEY!”

“Jus a Wi-zard giiiiiiirl! … living in a, weird-o woo-oorld… I took the Hogwarts train, going I-have-no-idea-where-I-aaaaam…”

“I see you driving ‘round town with the girl I love, and I’m like, my father will hear ‘bout thiiiiis!”

Give me Harry doing the same thing. “YEAH WE DUELED ON TABLE TOPS, THEN WE BROKE INTO GRINGOTTS-” only to be interrupted with, “Wait, What! That was you Harry! What are you doing, you’re gonna get yourself arrested, don’t just shout it out like that-“ and Harry, poor confused little Muggle raised that he is, not even understanding how these people can not understand what music is about. “I-I was just singing-“ he tries to explain but, “THIS IS SERIOUS HARRY!” “I thought his name was Fred.” “What?” “You said- this is Siri- never mind.”

Give me a fight breaking out between Gryffindor and Slytherin and Dumbledore bursting in with a whirl of robes yelling “STOP!” and there are just multiple outbursts of singing from all over the audience of “HAMMER TIME!” “IN THE NAAAAAAME OF LOVE!” “FILL MY CUP, PUT SOME LIQUOR IN IT!” “BEFORE YOU BREAAAAAK MY HEART.” but some Muggleborn had taken it seriously and, “DROP AND ROLL? WHAT? FIRE?” “HUH? FIRE? WHERE’S THE FIRE?!” and now half the audience thinks someone’s on fire resulting in panic, and the other half are singing four different songs at the top of their lungs.


	8. Physical Science

Give me THE FACT THAT THE PROFESSORS GO HOME EACH NIGHT AND ONLY STAY AT THE SCHOOL IN SHIFTS, HAVE FAMILIES, MAKE DINNER, HOLD THEIR LOVERS’ HAND, DANCE IN THE KITCHEN TO RIDICULOUS SONGS, TUCK THEIR YOUNG KIDS IN FOR BED, CALL THEIR OWN PARENTS, DEBATE IF THEY CAN AFFORD THAT VACATION TO HAWAII FOR SUMMER BREAK, GO GROCERY SHOPPING, HAVE TO GROUND THEIR KIDS THEN GO TO SCHOOL AND ACCIDENTALLY YELL ‘YOU’RE GROUNDED’ INSTEAD OF ‘DETENTION’-

Give me Gender and its connection to magic… and the weird results that has on the dormitories. Nothing else, just the dorms. “How does she always GET in here?!” Ron demanded as he woke up in his bed in the boys’ dorms………… The many scenes where Hermione slept downstairs on the couch………

“No, he’s Fred.” “And I’m Hermione!”

“I’m Fred. His name… Merlin.”

“No I’m George, he’s Harry Potter.”

“No I’m Gred, he’s Obama.”

“No he’s Forge, I’m Rihanna.”

Give me a Howler screaming, “WHAT TEAM?” And the Muggleborns all screaming “WILDCATS!” At the top of their lungs, then politely returning to their dinner as if nothing had happened.

Give me the Ravenclaw ‘The Paintings are Actually AI Tech’ conspiracy theorists.

Give me the fact the first telescope, made in the 1600s, was new tech because of the breakaway of wizarding technology in the early 1700s. The most advanced telescope they’d have common knowledge of would be a 12-foot refracting telescope. (Refracting types use crystal so the separate the colors into red, blue, and yellow like a prism. Mirror-based telescopes weren’t common knowledge until around the 1800s)… And the Muggleborns are SO DONE with the fact the Wizarding World only knows up to Saturn even exists, and mostly still thinks the Earth is the center of the Universe. 

Give me Muggleborns screaming silently in their heads as they write papers on the retrograde of Mars, the part of the orbit where it ‘does loop-de-loops’ half the year instead of going in circles around the Earth like all the other planets and no one knows why.

Give me Muggleborn Ravenclaws that have nearly been expelled for the overwhelming arguing in class that it’s because the Sun is at the center and Mars moves slower than the Earth, and we run laps going past them - hence the apparent backward movement. NOT. LOOP-DE-LOOPS!!!

Give me the Wizarding World having different names for all the moons out there because the Moons of Jupiter weren’t discovered until the 1610s and names were not fully widespread and confirmed until much later because everyone argued about it.

Give me Muggleborns arguing over Pluto, the NINTH planet…? What LIES. Everyone knows the largest moon of Jupiter, METZLER, was the furthest thing out there!

Give me Muggleborn First Years asking Hagrid about Bigfoot. ‘Nay those are just the fursuiters!’ Hagrid exclaims every time. The Muggleborns go white as sheets, gasping. Year after year this happens, and every year, the Pureblood children learn that Muggleborns are shocked by these ‘fursuiters’, and with the building of years… unable to find any information at all available to Pure children, yet all the Muggleborn children seem to know what that means… Pureblood children become scared of these mysterious ‘fursuiters’ and their power over the more insane children in the school that always talk about ‘Bigfoot’ and ‘The Loch Ness Monster’ and ‘Land of Disney’.

Give me a Pureblood that has asked what a fursuiter is being universally whispered to, “You can’t handle the truth.”

Give me a student being told “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this.” and handed their wand that they left on their side-table before class. It catches on quickly unlike the many other odd Muggleborn phrases, the Wizarding children not knowing it’s another of those… Muggleborn things.

Give me Muggleborn students that, in keeping with the advancement of Muggle school systems, just seem to be more and more advanced in education (and more and more exhausted and depressed) as the years go by when McGonagall is teaching.

Give me McGonagall having absolutely no idea - though Muggle kids seem to universally understand as basic knowledge - what a black hole is. Much less whether Apparition is a ‘byproduct of wormhole manipulation, physical deconstruction on a molecular level, like the Portals game, or akin to the capabilities of Flash’.

Give me Ravenclaws answering riddles like Jeopardy questions, which makes no grammatical sense if you actually think about it or don’t know what Jeopardy is by the way.

“Mister Finnegan, are you going to do ANY of your Care of creatures homework this SEMESTER?” “Sharp teeth.” “Homework is manda-“ “TEETH. BOOK. HAS. TEETH.”

Give me Muggleborns using Ya’ll’dve in a sentence as often as possible.

Actually, give me Muggleborns using modern slang to the point where Old British English Speaking Teachers can’t even understand the daily speech of their students.

“Well, everyone knows the Slytherins didn’t participate in the battle because they didn’t want to fight their own family-“ “Lady, do you have ANY idea how much I’d love to fight some people in my family. Don’t excuse their cowardice, CALL THEM OUT! DAMNIT UNCLE SCOTT EVEN IF I DIDN’T GET TO FIGHT IN THE BATTLE I WILL STILL FIND A FRICK’N WAY TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DIC-“

Give me Harry and Hermione passing notes in Elvish just because they can.

Give me Harry and Hermione, as their brooms unexpectedly dip in an air current, yelling respectively, “GOING DOOOOOOWN-“ and “I’M YELLING TIMBEEEEER-“ And all the other students flying with them are used to Muggleborns by now, but Harry seems oddly disturbed and would not stop telling her off, for days on end, about her go-to thing to scream as she’s falling being Kesha lyrics instead of ‘Help’.

Give me Hermione, and some other random Slytherin student whom you have never heard named but had every class with the Trio their entire education, both with Grandparents who were military - and everyone else missed it - but the reason they both got top scores was because they both know Morse code and sat next to each other every test.

GIVE ME HERMIONE RE-CREATING THE MATERIALIZATION GAME IN NO GAME NO LIFE!! BUT SHE FINDS OUT THE WIZARDING WORLD HAS JUST AS MANY THINGS SHE COULD NEVER HAVE DREAMED OF AS THE MUGGLE WORLD LORDS OVER THE WIZARDING ONE - SHE DESTROYS EVERYONE ANYWAY OF COURSE - BUT THE POSSIBILITIES—!!!!


End file.
